Some days you just wake up & immediately want to go back to sleep. You want to crawl back into a cocoon of blankets & pillows & be a vegetable for the day. Or maybe you have had a long string of these days. Things just are not going well. You're sick, tired, worn down, the weather is awful, & life just is not going right. What are you supposed to do.
I probably seem like I have it all together & I'm happy & healthy & blah blah blah, but that is far from the truth. At the moment I am writing this, I am laying in bed in my pajamas watching Army Wives at noon, I have a cold, I have a stye, my husband is going to be gone for the rest of the week, & it is cloudy & chilly in Hawaii. Before I started writing this I was sitting here thinking about as "woah as me" as I could get, basically pouting about my life. But then I decided to write down every thing I can think of that I have to be happy about, tacky I know. It took me a few minutes to start, which made me more upset. Am I so blind to how amazing I have it that I can't even make a list of good things? So I took a break & scrolled through my pictures in my phone & I got all the inspiration that I need.
Here are some of my best friends on the island, doing what we do best. Shannon, Leslie, & Mikk, even though today seems like it sucks for me, thank you for making even my worst days awesome & for being the best friends a girl could as for.
Look at these beautiful views I get to see every single day. Even though it's overcast today, I know just beyond the clouds are these amazing views just waiting for the next cloud free day.
My greatest blessing of today & every day is that I have this fantastic man as my permanent roommate. Even though he'll be gone all week & be gone again in a few months, I could not be more thankful for his unconditional love & support no matter how far away he is. Through all the trials & tribulations we endure, I wouldn't change a single thing. Even though we have been sleeping on an air mattress for a month & will be for another 50 days until all our furniture gets here, we eat on paper plates because our nice bowls & plates are also 50 days out, & our pup is still 4,000 miles away, life is great.
For anyone who is having one of those days or one of those weeks, take a minute, scroll through some pictures, & be thankful for all the amazing people, views, & blessings you have in your life.
Dear Me,
Hey, it's me, well you. But, I'm the you who is almost 19 & freaking married. Yes, you heard that statement right, you are in fact married & have been for almost 5 months. You also live in a really cool place, but I don't want to ruin the fun of waiting to find out where. How did I get here, you might be asking. The sarcastic answer would be an airplane, but you mean to this point in my life. I am here not to ruin the surprise or give any names of the people who got you here because ignorance is bliss, but to give just a few tips I would have liked along the way.
Your friends can break your heart, too.
I am sorry to say, but your friends will break your heart worse than any boy ever will. Girls are mean & you don't need the negativity they brought on you & the image people had of you just by hanging out with them. Sometimes it seems like you'll never have friends again & you'll be alone forever, but it gets so so much better. You walk into senior year with friends & a boyfriend you NEVER saw coming, but they are the best friends you could have asked for.
Beware the Junior Year.
You're about to go into the most dreaded year of your life: Junior Year. I won't lie to you, it was awful. Everything seemed to be falling apart. You had 4 Honors classes, you & your almost 2-year boyfriend broke up, you entered a toxic relationship & wound up heartbroken again, you lost some friends, but you made it. It was hard as anything, but you persevered & what comes is the best yet. My advice, don't put so much pressure on yourself, school is very important, yes. But calm down & keep your happiness first. It gets better.
Take care of your body.
That's right. You heard me. Drink an entire 60 oz bottle of water today, don't get McDonald's so much, & SLEEP. Stress takes a toll on your body, so just take a breather, go on a walk, let off some steam, stop worrying about everyone else for one second & just think about you.
Let go.
Remember that toxic relationship I said earlier, well that comes to an end, but you keep holding on & I envy your strength & determination, I do. But you need to let go & accept that some things just are not going to be fixed. This doesn't even just apply to this boy, it goes for anything. Know when it's time to stop doing Student Council, start saying No to people, stop hanging out with that bad friend just because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Think about yourself for once.
Appreciate your family.
This is something important because, frankly, you suck at it. You suck at making sure people know they are appreciated. Don't feel bad, I think 99% of teenagers are. Just accept it, & change it. Mom does so freaking much for you, but you never think twice about it. Wake up, & spend some time with her & Abigail because even though you think leaving home will be easy when the time comes, let me tell you it's one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Appreciate them, before it's too late.
Keep your chin up & everything works out wonderfully.
I know all of these tips probably made you think "Good Lord, my future life sounds freaking awful," & I won't lie, it's got its rough spots. But oh my goodness does it get amazing. I don't want to spoil the amazing love story that starts after your junior year at the most unexpected place & time. I seriously promise you can't even guess who it ends up being, because you don't even know him yet. But once you meet him, you'll know, & I can't wait for you to feel as in love as I did.
Pray more.
You & I both know that we love God, but you kind of fall off the wagon as things get harder for you. One thing you never stopped doing was praying every single night you went to bed. Keep it up, don't forget to not just pray when you need something, pray to be thankful.
You graduate, you go to college, you fall hopelessly in love with a boy who is everything you could have wished for & more, & everything becomes amazing. Don't forget to always be yourself, no matter who you think is judging you because their opinion could not matter any less. Enjoy the ride. Looking back it's amazing how fast it goes, so cherish every moment & take a million pictures to look back on all the great times. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young. You made it through some hard stuff, but here I am, living life to the fullest every day. You'll make it. Stay awesome.
Love,
Your older, not much wiser self.
As most of you guys know, I moved to Hawaii recently to (finally) be with my husband. It is 4,107 miles away from the place I called home for 16 years & Jake has been on a field operation since before I got here, so you guessed it. I am completely alone in Hawaii, which sounds like a dream for most & while this place is undeniably beautiful, I am pretty lonely. I know what you're probably thinking, "You married a guy in the military, get used to being alone." Well, I know this, but its different coming to a brand new place alone than just waiting for him to come back to the home we have together. So, from a newly-living-on-her-own kid, here are some things I have already experienced & learned (that my parents probably told me at one point but I did not listen) in my first week as an official adult:
1. Groceries are really expensive, even when you don't buy name brand stuff.
2. Make sure you bring bath towels, because I promise you will want to shower & without them well, you can't.
3. When the wind blows a door closed, it is acceptable to scream like a 4 year old.
4. Make sure to read the labels on laundry detergent & softener so that you make sure you buy one of each, not two of the same.
5. Turn the lights off when you leave a room.
6. If your shower drain is clogged, don't try to find a DIY to fix it. Just go buy some Drano.
7. Always have Advil, Pepto, & NyQuil on hand. ALWAYS.
8. There is in fact a difference between a kitchen hand towel & bathroom hand towel.
9. Before going grocery shopping (or any kind of shopping) make a list, or you will buy very unnecessary things.
10. Do not forget to call your mom & dad or any other adult that's helped you out & tell them that you miss them & you should have listened to them more.
Moving out is liberating, & it is not as easy as it seems. I don't regret moving or want to go back for good, but I do miss not having to remember to buy toilet paper or eggs.
-KS
When I was 4, my Mom, Dad, & little sister moved into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house that we built in Barnhart, Missouri. In the 15 years my sister & I have lived here, we've made holes in the walls, planted trees & buried pets in the backyard, introduced both of our significant others to our grandparents there, had countless Easter Egg hunts, had our entire family over for Thanksgiving, fought, laughed, cried, ate (a lot), & through our parents divorce, this was the only thing that was kept constant in our changing life. The white pillars & red bricks of this house will always have a place in my heart. There are people who aren't even family that have memories in this house. My best friend, Madeline, (who I count as family anyway) has countless memories in every single room of this place. It has been a refuge to people young & old for over a decade. We all grew up here. 1063 was the only place I thought of when someone asked "Where is Home?" to little me. But as I got older, I realized something.
The house that I knew as home did not matter. The blue coaches my parents picked out in 2002, green walls of my childhood bedroom, & the teeth-shaped dent in my bed post from me pushing my sister into it did not matter. What matters, is the amount of love contained in those 4 walls & concrete foundation. It didn't matter where I kept my clothes, all the love & memories I have in this house are because of my family & the people I love most in my life. Like I said, I've lived in this house since I was 4 & as most of you know, I'm in the process of moving to Hawaii with my husband. So, I've been thinking a lot about home & all that I'll be leaving behind in this next journey in my life. Obviously, your childhood home is something that is hard to leave for anyone, but as I'm sitting in the living room that has held so many memories for me my entire life, from getting kittens for Christmas in 2005 to when my husband, sister, future brother in law, & Mom were dancing around the living room singing Pentatonix Christmas album & decorating the tree in 2016, this house would be nothing without memories like that.
Home is a place, yes. But that place wouldn't have significance in your mind if it didn't have faces & names to accompany it. As we grow up, our home changes. My blue-couched childhood home will always hold a special place in my heart, but I know that my home is no longer with my parents & sister in this house, my home is with the person who made me want to leave this safety net, to be adventurous & put all my faith & trust into him & our new journey. My home is no longer 4 walls that hold comfort to a young Katarina after a long day at school. My home is in a pair of eyes & heart beat.
Honestly, that is the hardest thing about growing up. The hardest thing is watching your family try & be happy for you as you move on. After I told my sister I was moving to Hawaii, she tried her hardest to be happy for me, but I knew she was crying on the inside because she knew that meant I couldn't come home as much as she wants me to. (But she would never tell me that) My mom has always told me that the love of a mother to her children is something I won't understand until I have kids of my own, but I can see it in her eyes every time we talk about me leaving. She is so absolutely ecstatic for me to finally be living with the man of my dreams, but it breaks her heart to see me go. When I told my dad on the phone, he took a breath, exhaled, & said "Well, I guess I should look into hotels to visit."
My parents & sister will forever be my first loves. Heck, I have loved my sister literally her entire life. But, I know (& I hope they do too) that it's time for me to go. I will forever cherish all of the memories & love that have built me into the person I am. Because without them, I would not be the person that my husband fell in love with, my best friend confides in, or the mother to my future children that I will be. I can't thank my parents enough for making 1063 into my home, because in 2002 when they built it, they weren't just building a house, they were building where their daughters would have their first heartbreaks, their first cars, bring their future husbands to meet them, & become the women we both wanted to become. My heart will always remain with the three people that made me, me. No matter how far I go, no matter the time difference, they will always be the ones who created the person I am. & I can never repay any of them for that.
So, to my family:
Our lives haven't always been the prettiest, or the easiest, but I would not change a second of it. It's time for me to move out, move on, start my life, & continue to build my own, new home. But don't think for a second I won't be thinking of you every step of the way & hoping you're proud of all I'm doing. I can't begin to thank all of you for what you have done for me & I hope I helped change you, too. I love you forever & I promise I'll be back to eat 4 helpings of Thanksgiving dinner before you know it.
-KS
First, it is going to be okay.
Second, I know how you feel. I was there, so trust me on what I am about to tell you.
You can probably remember the day he told you that he was even thinking about joining & I am sure your heart skipped about two thousand beats. His enlistment day came & he told you the day he was leaving. You made a countdown probably named "My Love Leaves..." & tried to make every moment of the next however many days count. But no matter how hard you prayed & wished it wouldn't come, it came.
Whether he is gone for 8 weeks or 13, it stinks. It is a test of your relationship to say the least. No matter the strength, it is taxing. The day he leaves will be your worst day, I am sorry to say. Your eyes will be red & puffy most of the day, but then you fall asleep (probably still crying) & you wake up to your new reality. You spend the next months stalking the mailman & making sure your phone is always on full volume just in case that precious call ever comes. I would be lying if I said I wasn't beyond happy it is over for me. But, I did learn a lot. Not only about myself & what I like to do with my time that doesn't involve my better half, but I also learned a lot about our relationship & how much value it holds.
The most bizarre thing about basic & boot camp is that you don't even get to have contact with him, yet you find yourself falling more in love with him. Every letter makes you cry happy tears while you're trying to studying every sweet word carefully. Then your countdown hits single digits & your faced with the day you have been counting to for months: The Day of Reunion.
You bought your plane ticket, your hotel, your perfect outfit for him to see you again & as you're on the way, there are a million things running through your mind. "Does he still love me?" "Will he still even think I'm cute?" The day comes & you are a puddle of butterflies & happy tears as you see them walking out to be dismissed. Then, they're finally dismissed after what feels like years & you see the crowd break & through hundreds of people you see the person you have waited all this time for. I can't begin to describe how the first hug feels. Every fear & doubt you had melts away as you feel his embrace more intensely than you ever did before.
The day zooms by faster than the blink of an eye. & in the next few days, he will be off on his next adventure. You won't be able to make a countdown to the next time you see him, because you don't know. But I promise, it ends. It will end & every hardship & every late-night-time-zone-affected phone call & all the zip codes between you will be no more. & you made it. I never knew I could do this, but I am & I know you can too.
To the girl whose boyfriend is leaving, it will end & it is so beyond worth it.
-KS
We all know that couple. The couple that makes every single argument & problem a public announcement. Every one of their followers is convinced they are broken up for sure, just to see a post the next day about how much they love each other. If you want everyone to know every last fight & issue of your relationship, be my guest. But I don't think that is the best way to go about it.
Anyone who follows me on any social media account knows I CONSTANTLY post about my husband. He is in 99% of my Instagram photos, tweets, & posts on Facebook. Everyone knows we are together & thriving. Which is good, because if there are seemingly no cracks in your relationship, there won't be anything (or anyone) trying to fill them. One angry post about how annoying your boyfriend or girlfriend is can cause people to comment & message you telling you that if you need anything, they are there for you. Which is fine, if it is your friend, but a complete stranger with no knowledge of you but your screen name, not so much.
I believe this is one of the main issues with our generation. We turn to social media to complain & rant any time something doesn't go how we wanted. We run to our "friends" that we have never even met to tell us they are there for us. We love to hear the ringtone we have set for our messenger app that lets us know that someone we share mutual friends with & likes your selfies, cares. I am by no means discrediting online friendships. Some of my most supportive friends I met online. However, if your "friendship" is solely a comment or message every time you post an angry status, you may want to reevaluate.
No relationship is perfect. My husband & I argue sometimes, but I will not publicly insult someone I am sharing my life with. That just is not right. It is one thing to complain about how stressed you are or how things just are not going your way. But to bash your so called "partner" on Facebook is not the way to handle your relationship problems. Yes, there is a delete button on every social media site now, but once you hit "post," at least one person will be seeing what you said.
Share your relationships triumphs, not its downfalls. & next time you have an argument with your boyfriend, try calling them about your problems instead of posting it where your grandma can see it. Because that is a very confusing conversation to have over Thanksgiving dinner.
-KS
Growing up, I had my perfect timeline planned out. I was going to graduate high school, go to a big university, get my degree (never knew what in), move back to my population 300 town, find the perfect man, start my career, get married at like 25, have kids, & live happily ever after. That was my take on an amazing life.
Then, I met Jake & my life plan got flipped 180 degrees. My life plan turned into not really knowing what my life plan was. My plan wasn't to find my dream man until I was out of college, yet there he was standing in front of me at one month into being 17 years old with a year left of high school telling me he was joining the Marine Corps after we graduate. I had no idea what to think, or how to plan for it. & honestly there is no form of planning any one can do to prepare for life with your better half in the military. I didn't know what I was getting myself into & I still don't. One of the biggest talks Jake & I had about his life in the military was what was going to happen with us as a couple. We both knew life would be much more unbearable without each other, so we had to figure it out. I think we both kind of blocked out the thought of him leaving for a few months. In April or May we started really talking about what we were doing. We knew we wanted to be together forever, so why not start now?
Jake & I got engaged not even 3 months after graduating high school. We got married 2 days after he graduated boot camp. He was 19, I was 18.
I have been asked many questions when it came to the reasoning of Jake & I getting married. Here are my personal favorites:
"Are you pregnant?"
"Does he just want to make more money?"
"If you get married now, won't you get bored in a few years?"
"Why?"
As if loving someone is no longer a good enough reason to want to spend forever with them. I'm sure that if Jake had gone to college or into the work force, we probably would have waited a few more years to get married, but I couldn't imagine life any different. It got to the point that I didn't even want to tell people I was engaged to try & dodge the judgment that came along with it. Then, I was sitting in my room, reading a letter from Jake while he was at boot camp talking about how he couldn't wait to come home & marry me & I realized, who the heck cares. Who cares how many people do the wow-you-look-12-&-you-are-getting-married face paired with the awkward "oh." Who cares how many people ask if you're pregnant. Who cares how many people just ask, "Why?" As long as you & your spouse are happy & know your reasons why, what does the opinion of a random person asking you about your engagement ring really matter?
I understand the hesitation to be okay with someone who is 18 & wanting to get married. Heck, I got my license 2.5 years ago & don't really understand how to file my taxes. I can't drink, get more than a 500 dollar limit on my credit card, & I just made my own Netflix account. Even though there are a lot of things that I don't know or understand fully, there is some things I do know. I know that Jake is the only person in my life that even when I am having the worst day in existence, he can still make me smile with just a glance. I know that every passing day, whether we are together physically or not, I look forward to the next day, week, month, & year with him more & more. I know that I will never love a person like I love Jake. I hope everyone feels toward someone the way I do towards Jake.
There are a lot of hardships that come to being married, let alone at 18 & 19, lots of which we haven't even had to face yet. But, there isn't a single soul on this Earth I would rather go through every hard time in our life with.
-KS
